Irina Lutsenko: IELTS, writing, cohesion

A glimpse of my "Writing with New Scientist" class - a case of a sentence that was hard to read 🌼🌼🌼

A sentence can be hard to read for different reasons. The most common reason is highly complex grammar which makes it hard to track the subjects, the verbs, the connections, etc.

But the sentence below is hard to read for e different reason. Think what it might be as you read.

📝 Original:

"While the manufacturers extract, produce and dispose of resources, draining the planet's subsurface, customers feeding off a sense of novelty, purchase and dispose of tons of goods, creating landfills on land and in water."

The reason is it's jammed full of verbs. "What's wrong with verbs," you might say. I love verbs. They are my favorite part of speech. Verbs are very meaningful. So when we have too many of them, we have too much meaning to process.

📝 Possible fixes:

1️⃣ "Both manufacturers and customers are to blame. Manufacturers drain the planet's subsurface as they extract resources for production. Customers, in turn, contribute to pollution by purchasing and discarding tons of goods."

2️⃣ "Manufacturers drain the planet's subsurface as they extract resources for production, while customers, driven but the desire for novelty, purchase and discard tons of goods, thus contributing to pollution."

Can you think of other fixes?

A glimpse of my "IELTS Writing" class 📝📝📝

Kurt Vonnegut said, "Here is a lesson in creative writing. First rule: Do not use semicolons. They are transvestite hermaphrodites representing absolutely nothing. All they do is show you've been to college."

I agree. Not only in creative writing - in IELTS writing too.

We were discussing this essay topic today: "Some people believe that rich countries should provide poorer countries with help that is not financial aid. To what extent do you agree or disagree?" I have written two essays ("agree" and "disagree") on this topic myself. So what I did was 1) I split my complex sentences from one of my essays into tiny and simple ones; 2) I asked the students to join them into complex ones.

📝 Here is one example: "Even if the country providing the help decided to supervise the allocation and use of funds, it would be next to impossible. It would take a considerable amount of resources on their part. It would be prevented by the corrupt authorities."

📝 Here is one solution by a student: "Even if the country providing the help decided to supervise the allocation and use of funds, it would be next to impossible, since it would take a considerable amount of resources on their part; in addition, it would be prevented by the corrupt authorities." It's times like this that I remember Kurt's quote.

📝 Here is my original sentence: "Even if the country providing the help decided to supervise the allocation and use of funds, it would be next to impossible as it would either take a considerable amount of resources on their part or be prevented by the corrupt authorities."

Isn't it more elegant? The sentence looks smoother and more cohesive.

Both of my essays on this topic are available on VK Donut: https://vk.com/donut/iralutse (as well as many other IELTS writing materials). 🍩

Channel name was changed to «Irina Lutsenko: IELTS, writing, cohesion»

Sentence clinic 📝📝📝

A bunch of awkward sentences from my "Writing with New Scientist" students + and my fixes.

1️⃣
✖️"Discarding things either with their useful life having ended or having become out of fashion seems an ordinary action for many consumers for a number of reasons."
✅ "Discarding things either when their useful life has ended or when they have gone out of fashion seems an ordinary action for many consumers for a number of reasons."

2️⃣
✖️"One reason is the abundance of commodities which is a feature that developed countries boast, while developing countries are eager to reach that point when their residents can easily afford everything they need."
✅ "One reason is the abundance of commodities which is a feature that developed countries boast and developing countries strive to attain." / "One reason is the abundance of commodities. While developed countries have already achieved it, developing countries are striving to, aiming for the point when their residents can easily afford everything they need."

3️⃣
✖️ "Breaking the current system requires the recycling technology to be improved and, hence, implemented, while some unsustainable materials to be sacrificed due to their complicated recycling process."
✅ "Breaking the current system requires the recycling technology to be function effectively and the unsustainable materials to be sacrificed due to their complicated recycling process."

4️⃣
✖️ "The problem is that we are taking from nature more than we need, while the solution is that by taking only necessary things humans will be able to be happy without killing the world around us."
✅ "The problem is that we are taking from nature more than we need, while the solution to take only the necessary things. By doing so, humans will be able to be happy without killing the world around them. "

Fixing awkward sentences is one of my favorite activities. My fixes are not the only possible fixes, of course. Can you think of some more?

The most important factors for achieving happiness? Read Anna Skopina's awesome IELTS essay to find out. 📝

Curiously, the essay was not written in my IELTS course - it was written in my "Writing with New Scientist" course. Anyways, it's awesome and it contains a beautiful range of cohesive devices (some of which I highlighted to make sure you notice).

https://iraluts.blogspot.com/2022/10/ielts-writing-task-2-most-important.html

A glimpse of my "C2 Proficiency Writing" class - a case of improved cohesion 🌼🌼🌼

Take a look at this paragraph and see where the flow gets a little broken.

"However, without any doubt, there are a lot of cinematographic masterpieces - ones that reflect our society, transform opinions and inspire viewers all at the same time. With modern technologies, ideas can reach people from all over the world and start a dialogue between different nations, genders, or generations; they can raise our awareness of social, ecological, and moral issues. "Blackfish" (a piece on the life of an orca caged and mistreated in one of American oceanariums), for instance, shocked the audience and led to the cancellation of these inhumane shows."

"Blackfish" comes out of the blue. Technically, we do have cohesion here - "for instance." But it is too far in the sentence and it's not actually obvious what exactly "Blackfish" is an example of.

My fix:

"... ; they do more than raise our awareness of social, ecological, and moral issues - they can cause real change. Take, “Blackfish, for example - a documentary about the life of an orca caged and mistreated in one of American oceanariums. It shocked the audience so much that the inhuman shows with this animal have been cancelled."

The film has been introduced more smoothly and it's clear that the film is an example of real change. So the overall cohesion and progression are better. 🐬🐬🐬

A glimpse of my "IELTS Writing" classes 📈📈📈

All my IELTS writing groups have finished the line graph month, so here is a final potpourri of common line graph mistakes:

1️⃣ "Starting at 8.500, this figure showed ... "

In English, thousands are set off with commas, not periods. So, it should be "8,500." Curiously, this is exactly how the figures are written on the graph - yet people keep making this mistake.

2️⃣ "... this figure showed more than a twofold decline in 2012."

In English, "-fold" words are only used to describe increases. So numbers can increase tenfold, but not decrease.

3️⃣ "Petrol and oil remained the most popular fuel ..."

I often tell my students - words don't suddenly stop having their usual meanings when they are in W1. "Popular" means "liked or enjoyed by a lot of people" - do people really like and enjoy petrol? You will probably be able to use this word rarely - only about book genres or something like this, I guess. The fix is "Petrol and oil remained the most commonly used / the most consumed type of fuel... "

4️⃣ "... the figures showed a rise to 43 quadrillion in 2010 and they are predicted to continue rising to almost 50 by 2030."

"Continue rising to 50" means the figure started rising to 50 and then continued rising to 50. But when the figure starts rising, it has no intention of rising to 50. So, "... they are predicted to continue rising and to reach 50 by 2030." (Not the only possible fix.)

5️⃣ "This line showed the most significant growth."

These tasks are not about lines - they are about numbers, percentages etc. "Line" is just a visual representation. Numbers and percentages show growth, not lines.

We've just started Writing Task 2 "agree/disagree." Not too late to join the long courses:
https://vk.com/iralutse?w=product-47977221_3696544%2Fquery

A glimpse of my "C2 Proficiency Writing" class - a case of fixed cohesion 🌼🌼🌼

Although it's from my C2 Proficiency Writing class, the principles are true for all types of writing. Topic - tackling environmental issues.

📝 Original:
"I am inclined to believe it is not because we do not do enough. It is because new means of tackling this issue should be implemented. Cumbersome though it might seem, production of non-biodegradable plastic should be prohibited as well as junk paper based mail."

📝 My rewrite:
"I am inclined to believe it is not because we do not do enough. It is because we do not implement new ways of tackling this issue. One such way is prohibiting the production of non-biodegradable plastic."

Two cohesion fixes:
1. The first two sentences are now entirely parallel. In the original, the "it is because" parts were parallel, but the subjects weren't, so the subject "new means" came out of the blue.
2. "Cumbersome though it might seem" is a beautiful phrase, but it does not connect the sentences at all - nothing in the paragraph does. I've added "One such way" to refer to "new ways" in the previous sentence. Result? Fixed cohesion.

My C2 Profieciency Writing group was writing an essay on the topic of garbage. I have an impressive essay on this topic from a previous group. Enjoy!

https://iraluts.blogspot.com/2021/02/if-this-is-not-impressive-i-dont-know.html

A glimpse of my "C2 Proficiency Writing" class 🌼🌼🌼

I am going to use a paragraph from my C2 Proficiency Writing class, but the comment and the suggestions are true for most types of writing.

📝 So here is the student's paragraph:

"There is no doubt that dumping things takes a toll on our planet. Despite the fact that ordinary people and eco-friendly organisations recycle things, we do not live in cities free from pollution. One factor contributing to this is the settled trend for fast fashion, which lures customers into buying more and in bulk. Craving for novelty, people discard their things instead of reusing or mending them."

The problem here is the word "things." The problem with the word "thing" is that it's really a placeholder - it can mean anything, which is not good for academic writing. Academic writing - and probably any writing - has to be specific.

📝 Here is my re-write:

"There is no doubt that the massive amounts of garbage we create take a toll on our planet. Despite the the recycling efforts by both ordinary people and eco-friendly organisations, we still do not live in cities free from pollution. One factor contributing to this is the settled trend for fast fashion, which lures customers into buying more and in bulk. Craving for novelty, people discard their clothes instead of reusing or mending them."

Doesn't the paragraph sound much better now?

A glimpse of my "IELTS Writing" class 🌼🌼🌼

Well, not mine technically. Today I want to share a task the wonderful Anna Skopina, who is teaching my IELTS 6.5-7 groups this year, created for her students.

One problem many IELTS students face in Writing Task 1 is repetitions. So they might write a paragraph like this:

📝 "The figure for visitors staying on cruise ships started at 0.25 million, after which the figure experienced some fluctuations. Following this, the figure for visitors increased steadily, reaching 2 million in 2017. As regards the number of visitors staying on the island, the figure grew to 1.5 million but then the figure levelled off until 2015. This was followed by the figure dipping slightly and recovering to 1.5 million visitors in 2017."

The word "figure" doesn't really have any synonyms (well, maybe, apart from "number"). And "attendees" is, of course, not the same as "visitors." So what can we do to avoid the repetitions? Here is Anna's solution:

📝 "The figure for visitors staying on cruise ships started at 0.25 million, after which it experienced some fluctuations. Following this, the number increased steadily, reaching 2 million in 2017. As regards those who stayed on the island, their number grew to 1.5 million but then leveled off until 2015. This was followed by a slight dip and then a recovery to 1.5 million visitors in 2017."

It's about pronouns and sentence structures rather than synonyms.

Btw, all of my IELTS groups started only a couple of weeks ago, so it's not too late to join. Find out more:
https://m.vk.com/product-47977221_3696544

A glimpse of my "Writing with New Scientist" class. 🌼🌼🌼

One of the most difficult things to identify in a piece of writing is lacking cohesion. If there is a mistake, you see it. But how can you see what is not there?

But see it you must and let's try doing just that. Read the paragraph below and try to identify the place where cohesion is lacking. Then try to find a fix. Then read mine below.

📝 Original:
"There are several reasons to believe that chemical pollution will be extremely hard to offset. One is that for changes to take place, we would have to immediately stop the production and use of a great number of chemicals, which does not seem feasible. Although there are plans to phase out many of the contaminating substances, the implementation will take decades, which is the time we cannot afford to spend, with the levels of pollution already being critical."

The part that is lacking cohesion is the beginning of the sentence with "Although." In this part, "plans" comes out of the blue - this idea is not connected to anything else in the previous sentence. So why don't we use the principle "old information" before "new information" to fix that?

📝 My re-write:
"There are several reasons to believe that chemical pollution will be extremely hard to offset. One is that for changes to take place, we would have to immediately stop the production and use of a great number of chemicals, which does not seem feasible. Even if the contaminating substances were to be phased out, the implementation of this would take decades, ... ."

"The contaminating substances" is the same as "chemicals" from the previous sentences, so it's "old information." Putting it first makes the text flow better. You must have noticed I have deleted "plans" - well, it's not clear whose plans they are anyway. But I have added "were to be," which is a subtle reference to the idea of plans.

And now we have an almost identical paragraph - which was already excellent in the first place - but it's even more cohesive now and thus even more excellent. 🤘

A glimpse of my "Writing with New Scientist" class - a paragraph makeover. 🌼🌼🌼

A story of how a good paragraph can become a superb one with the help of ideas.

Topic: What problems might exposure to excessive amounts of noise lead to?

First, look at the original:

📝 "High levels of noise have been linked to a multitude of health issues, ranging from insomnia and anxiety to hearing loss. Clearly, people living in big cities are at particularly high risk of suffering from these, as exposure to industrial and especially transport-related noise is virtually unavoidable in urban areas. As leaving the city for a quieter place is not an option for the majority, they have to stay where they are and constantly put their health at risk."

It's a good paragraph in terms of language, but what it lacks is real ideas. The ideas here are very obvious and the underlined part basically tells nothing new to the reader. Who doesn't know that noise exists in cities? So I told the student to establish the link between noise and health issues, thus developing the idea of health issues.

And here is the second version:

📝 "High levels of noise have been linked to a multitude of health issues, both physical and mental. Biologically, the brain has been trained to constantly monitor the surroundings for signs of danger. Noise can be perceived as such and cause the brain to release stress hormones into the bloodstream, increasing the heart rate and blood pressure. Prolonged exposure to noise, therefore, leads to permanently high levels of cortisol and other stress-related hormones, keeping heart-beat and blood pressure abnormally high. This, in turn, results in health problems ranging from heart conditions and strokes to anxiety and depression, which considerably reduce the quality of life and life expectancy of those who have to experience noise frequently."

Isn't it absolutely superb? I asked to student to add ideas - which she did - but the final result has even more great language and even better cohesion. Ideas are important - they are the starting point of everything else! 👑

A glimpse of my "IELTS Writing" class - or rather of my feedback 🌼🌼🌼

I am checking the assignments of new IELTS writing groups and, sure enough, I find myself crossing out the same thing all the time - useless words. I'll give the most typical examples, with useless words being crossed out.

1. The numbers stood at around 300 and 500 respectively at the start of the indicated period...
2. ... remaining stable until another drop to 3,000 in the last two years in question.
3. With regards to the number of shop openings over the period given, ...
4. ... it witnessed a plunge, falling to the point of 600 in 2015.
5. ... leveling off at the figure of approximately 5,000 in 2014.

Why are these words useless? Because they don't serve any purpose. The meaning is exactly the same without them. And if you can cut out a word, always do so. 💪

Do you write these words? Why / why not?❓

A glimpse of my "Writing with New Scientist" class. 🌼🌼🌼

Some people are terrified of repetitions in writing. But why? Repetitions are a valid cohesive device. Take a look at these two sentences from an article in "New Scientist":

1️⃣ "We know nothing about most of these. This lack of knowledge is matched, or even surpassed, by our ignorance about what risks most of these chemicals might pose to human health and the environment."

2️⃣ "Plastic food packaging is often dyed black for aesthetic reasons, but the dye makes the plastic unrecyclable."

The interesting thing here is that in each case the word that was repeated was used as a different part of speech. And this type of cohesion was supported with "this" and "the." Repeating a word like this is not only nothing to be terrified of - it's actually a superb cohesive technique. It sure as hell beats awkward synonyms.

I'm not even sure synonyms exist - and you can find out more about my views in this post:
https://vk.com/iralutse?w=wall-47977221_9952

A glimpse of my "IELTS Writing" class (or rather - homework from this class). 🌼🌼🌼

Take a look at this intro to an essay by a student:

📝 "The importance of taking risks either in professional or personal lives have always been questioned. Some believe taking a risk is crucial as it inevitably leads to success. Others, however, think the importance of taking risks is negligible because the drawbacks expose you to setbacks and defeats. I personally believe the advantages prevail over the drawbacks."

What do you notice about it? Probably lots and lot of repetitions. I want to draw your attention to the repetition of "importance." Of course, the word "importance/important" is easy to paraphrase. But don't kid yourself - crucial, essential, vital etc - are all the repetitions of "important." (Well, at high levels at least.) So what can we do? How about we simply delete one instance? Here is my fix:

📝 The importance of taking risks either in professional or personal lives have always been questioned. >> Risk taking in both professional and personal lives has always been a matter of debate.

So we avoid a repetition by simply not expressing this concept at all. 🤘

How about "risks"? This word is hard to paraphrase or to avoid in an essay about risks. What can we do? The best solution here would be probably referencing: risk - it, risks - they. Maybe even "the downsides thereof" (= of risks) or "the downsides of such actions (= actions that involve risks)." This, however, is not that easy and requires careful consideration of sentence structures. But what doesn't at high levels?

A glimpse of my "Writing with New Scientist" class. 🌼🌼🌼

Surprise, surprise - I want to talk about coherence and cohesion.

Look at a tiny piece of a student's essay and try to notice where cohesion is lacking and coherence is broken:

📝 "People living in cities are exposed to a constant barrage of noise from highways, railways, and outdoor construction activities. This sustains regular background noise which is loud enough to raise blood pressure and heart rate and cause stress, anxiety and depression. Implementation of zoning under noise-control ordinances at the local and federal levels can be effective in mitigating the deleterious effects of noise pollution."

The problem is the last sentence - it comes out of the blue. Let's fix it. In this case, the fix is based on the principle that "old information" should go before "new information." In this case, "the deleterious effects" is old information - the student has already talked about them. "Zoning" is completely new information - and it should come after old information, in which case it won't come out of the blue.

My rewrite:

📝 "People living in cities are exposed to a constant barrage of noise from highways, railways, and outdoor construction activities. This sustains regular background noise which is loud enough to raise blood pressure and heart rate and cause stress, anxiety and depression. To mitigate the deleterious effects of noise pollution, local and federal authorities should develop and implement effective zoning policies."

Now the paragraph is almost identical but much smoother. 🤘

My idea of fun or a glimpse of my "IELTS Writing" class today. 🌼🌼🌼

My idea of fun was taking my essay - a good, academic essay - and rewriting it in informal language. The next step was asking the students to rewrite it back. Take a look. What are some things you would need to rephrase?

Topic: "It is important for people to take risks, both in their professional lives and their personal lives. Do you think the advantages of taking risks outweigh the disadvantages?" (Source: IELTS 17)

My first body paragraph (to be clear - the fun version):
"It is true that risks can have value. First, they can really improve your life pronto and very much by making you filthy rich or famous. This is because risky things can quickly bring the same result as years of traditional and familiar things, such as working or safe investments. But even if you fail, you still get schooled either about your deal or about yourself. This schooling definitely is worth its weight in gold on your next try, making it more likely to bear fruit. Risks can therefore be useful and it doesn’t matter if they are a nice shot or not."

A glimpse of my real essay:
First, they can really improve your life pronto and very much by making you filthy rich or famous. >> First, they can lead to a rapid and substantial improvement of the person's life by making them wealthy or famous. 📝

My full essay on the topic (the real one, not the fun one) is available:
- as park of the pack with all IELTS 17 answers https://vk.com/market-47977221?w=product-47977221_5966142%2Fquery
- as a separate download on Boosty https://boosty.to/irinalutsenko

https://iraluts.blogspot.com/2022/09/three-stages-of-learning-to-write-for.html

Writing is a highly complex skill that can take a long time to master. Most likely, improving your writing skills will be a marathon, not a sprint, which will consist of at least these three stages and probably even more sub-stages.

What stage are you at? Or have you completed all three? Did you go through one more, perhaps?❓

What is the correct place for the overview in Writing Task 1 (academic)? ❓📈

I get asked this a lot. There are two possible places - and both are "correct." Some people write it right after the introduction, while others put it at the very end of the answer. I always write the overview at the end because I believe it is more logical (and easier) to summarize the main trends after you’ve described them in detail. Besides, when the overview is at the very beginning, the answer ends very abruptly.

Even though I have a good answer to this question, it always makes me cringe. It makes me think that a lot of people treat IELTS as ЕГЭ - one and only one thing is correct, and that thing is defined by experts. In IELTS, however, several things can be correct. One IELTS criterion uses phasing "logically organized" - but this can be achieved in different ways.

Let's go back to the overview. Is it logical to write the overview before the main body? Yes - you are preparing the reader for what's coming. Is it logical to write the overview as the last paragraph? Also yes - you are summarizing everything you've written. How about writing your overview as the third paragraph out of four? It's highly unlikely to be logical.

In short, in IELTS, something is correct not because someone told you so, but because it's logical. 📊

"Irina, don't you get bored of correcting people's grammar when you check their writing?" ❓

I was interviewing a potential student for a writing group the other day and she asked me, "Irina, don't you get bored of correcting people's grammar when you check their writing? People must be making tons of mistakes. It must be annoying to correct all of them."

No, I don't get bored or annoyed. More importantly, it's not what I focus on when I read people's writing. I read for ideas. Ideas are the most important thing in a piece of writing, so I focus on such questions as: Are you answering the question? Is it clear what you mean? Is it interesting to read your piece? Are you telling me something I already know or am I going to learn something new?

Correcting grammar takes almost zero effort - machines can do that pretty well already and will soon be able to do that superbly. But the questions above take some mental work and are much more vital. And they are the foundation of writing - they are the reason for you to write and for the reader to read your work. And it's just as true for writing in a foreign language as it is for writing in your native language.

It's a huge misconception that when we write in English, we write for language. We write for ideas - in IELTS, in CPE, in Creative Writing, in Blogging, always. 💜

PS: I was interviewing the student for my "Write for Real: Blogging in English" course. We are starting on 17 September. 💌

https://vk.com/market-47977221?w=product-47977221_3696542%2Fquery