A glimpse of my "C2 Proficiency Writing" class - a case of fixed cohesion 🌼🌼🌼

Although it's from my C2 Proficiency Writing class, the principles are true for all types of writing. Topic - tackling environmental issues.

📝 Original:
"I am inclined to believe it is not because we do not do enough. It is because new means of tackling this issue should be implemented. Cumbersome though it might seem, production of non-biodegradable plastic should be prohibited as well as junk paper based mail."

📝 My rewrite:
"I am inclined to believe it is not because we do not do enough. It is because we do not implement new ways of tackling this issue. One such way is prohibiting the production of non-biodegradable plastic."

Two cohesion fixes:
1. The first two sentences are now entirely parallel. In the original, the "it is because" parts were parallel, but the subjects weren't, so the subject "new means" came out of the blue.
2. "Cumbersome though it might seem" is a beautiful phrase, but it does not connect the sentences at all - nothing in the paragraph does. I've added "One such way" to refer to "new ways" in the previous sentence. Result? Fixed cohesion.

My C2 Profieciency Writing group was writing an essay on the topic of garbage. I have an impressive essay on this topic from a previous group. Enjoy!

https://iraluts.blogspot.com/2021/02/if-this-is-not-impressive-i-dont-know.html