A glimpse of my "C2 Proficiency Writing" class - a case of improved cohesion 🌼🌼🌼

Take a look at this paragraph and see where the flow gets a little broken.

"However, without any doubt, there are a lot of cinematographic masterpieces - ones that reflect our society, transform opinions and inspire viewers all at the same time. With modern technologies, ideas can reach people from all over the world and start a dialogue between different nations, genders, or generations; they can raise our awareness of social, ecological, and moral issues. "Blackfish" (a piece on the life of an orca caged and mistreated in one of American oceanariums), for instance, shocked the audience and led to the cancellation of these inhumane shows."

"Blackfish" comes out of the blue. Technically, we do have cohesion here - "for instance." But it is too far in the sentence and it's not actually obvious what exactly "Blackfish" is an example of.

My fix:

"... ; they do more than raise our awareness of social, ecological, and moral issues - they can cause real change. Take, “Blackfish, for example - a documentary about the life of an orca caged and mistreated in one of American oceanariums. It shocked the audience so much that the inhuman shows with this animal have been cancelled."

The film has been introduced more smoothly and it's clear that the film is an example of real change. So the overall cohesion and progression are better. 🐬🐬🐬