it seems as if everything is gradually piling up, constantly, without giving a break. i’ll survive anything, i know that. i can shout to the whole world that i won't give up if i really see the need to fight for something. for material things, for my future, for my beliefs, for my rightness, for my freedom. but maybe not for people.

i have a disgusting personality, which i can let show to the fullest when i start to lose control. closed ones, despite the fact that their number is scanty, suffer from my actions suddenly and instantly, as if from a radioactive wave. all because of me being a possessive piece of shit with all kinds of aggression mixed together.

i get angry, i insult, i say things that i later regret, just to prove my case and put the person in their place. cause i also sacrifice a lot so that the harmonious picture familiar to society comes together from puzzles into a single picture. surprise, i’m hurt too, and i want to shout about it to acquaintances, to every blade of grass. i want to spit poison so that everyone knows that it cuts deep, that i’ve been holding on to a barely visible thread for the last year in constant stress. and sometimes, after all, some frankly brazen careless action finishes me off.

but i have to turn on my brain, keep the shit to myself, and not upset them even more. because i care too, i know how painful it is when people fuck about you left and right about how bad you are. trust me, i remember shaking when this happened again at 14, 16, 18 again and again, breaking from the inside. hence, i don't have time or energy to deal with this shit. it's easier to shut it down, to close eyes and move on. i am not one of those who prefer to discuss. if it were up to me, i wouldn't open my mouth at all.

i was once told that i am impossible to bear. and maybe that someone was right.