it's hard to see a person's demons just by looking at them. it's even harder to acknowledge you saw them too late.

sometimes you get scared of yourself. it seemed like you’re one of billions of the same, a gray mouse in a huge human mass, a grain of sand in the cycle of human problems in which they are absorbed. nobody, an empty place, just like everyone else. then why is there so much overwhelming rage inside?

day after day fly by at the speed of light. groundhog day is gnawing, but no one cares. stress accumulates, things build up into a massive mountain, pressing on your shoulders so that at some point you can't even stand. and inside, it's aching; aching so much that you can no longer keep your fists to yourself.

a hit. weak at first, as if you're being cautious, as if you're afraid to violate some kind of morality, some idiotic social laws that no one cares about a long time ago. another one. more confident, more powerful. and the next second, the roof blows off. it doesn't matter what you punch – the wall, the mirror, a loved one, yourself. anything to keep it quiet. anything but that.

any unpleasant sound, any wrong word, too quick action is a breakdown. the flame ignites in a couple of seconds, when the veil covers your eyes and you are no longer yourself. and at some point it doesn't matter. you just want it to be quieter.

the first victim, broken physically or mentally, makes no sense. you're a beast. a monster who can't control himself. a vile semblance of a man, overflowing with poison, which gushes in search of a way out, and in its absence corrodes the flesh from the inside. the punishment for your weakness is never long in coming. anything to keep it from breaking.

the cycle. a vicious circle that cannot be broken. anger – guilt– pain. fist – word – helpless cry. and no one hears, no one will help because you don't deserve to be saved after ruining the lives of others. thighs are covered in bright red scars, wrists are burned, legs are bruised from trying to beat out this stupidity, this endless anger that has changed your personality. you drink the hole in your chest down and hit a loved one again.