and here we go again. i hear sobbing on the phone; resentment, eternal resentment. it's like we haven't discussed this a thousand times. as if i could change something, remove exhausting things from my life and always be cheerful and active. but it's hard for me too, fucking unbearably painful, and i'm coping with it in my own ways. i just have to get over it, disappear for a couple of days. it'll pass, right? it's better than enduring my breakdowns, the discontent that spills out on my loved ones. i'm drowning in my acquaintances, in their conversations, jokes, as if it's not gnawing inside. like i don't want to faint from exhaustion right here and now. my dream and the people around me are too important to me to vent and poison their lives with my constant discontent. i shut myself off when i feel that my bad temper is getting the better of me. i don't have the strength to solve interpersonal conflicts that i can unwittingly provoke against this background. is it really that hard to understand? just once? why you deliberately tear me apart from the inside even more? i can barely get out without it.