I’m so confused and frustrated with myself

I (20f) have a girlfriend (21f). I like her a lot. When we started dating a few months ago we would make out sometimes, and sometimes it was ok, but usually I dislike it and am waiting to see if it has been long enough to stop without it being weird.

I dated one dude before this, and I like kissing my girlfriend a lot more than I liked doing anything with him, even thought I still don’t love it. He was sex obsessed though and if we were ever alone that is all he wanted to do - we both lived with our parents at the time cause we were in high school, and I would do anything to avoid being alone with him. Because of this I thought I was just into girls, cause I ended up hating him. I wanna be clear, he was very sexual and could be a bit pushy but the problem was that I didn’t know how to set boundaries. If I had ever straight up said “no I don’t feel like it” he would have respected it. I only did that once and it was totally fine, he didn’t even mention it again or act any different, except that I felt guilty the whole rest of the time. Again, that is my issue that I’m still working on.

To specific about the kissing - it is kinda gross to me, but the main thing is I just don’t really feel anything - that is why I thought I wasn’t into men, because I felt nothing except sometimes a bit grossed out when I kissed my boyfriend. When I started dating a girl it felt a lot better, and I do think I’m more into women, so I thought I had it figured out. But I was kinda heartbroken when we kissed and even though I like her a lot, it didn’t feel any different from kissing him, even though I like this girl a lot. It just felt like something that was happening. It wasn’t even awkward, and she seemed to really like it and said that she did. It felt like I should have liked it, and like it went how it should have, if that makes sense? Like from the outside I feel like it was like a movie scene but I just didn’t feel a deep connection I have always thought I would eventually feel when I kissed someone. I can’t really explain it. I feel much more connected to her when we cuddle than when we kiss.

I really like her and feel way more of an emotional connection with her than I did with my boyfriend, but have the same problem where I avoid situations where we may end up kissing. I love cuddling though and physical intimacy that doesn’t involve kissing or sexual stuff.

I do find her attractive though, and sometimes I think I feel sexual arousal, I think the main problem that mixes me up is that I have is anxiety. I am agoraphobic which for me involves fear of embarrassment, and this feels kinda similar to that. So idk if I’m actually asexual or if this is some kind of anxiety thing. Because anytime we are about to be intimate it is like I just shut off - even if I was maybe feeling some arousal it just goes away at the thought of actually doing stuff, and I cannot tell if it is cause of anxiety or because I just don’t want to do that stuff. But at the moment I feel disgusted by even just kissing.

I’ve never actually had sex though, the furthest I’ve been with a man is oral, and with my girlfriend just making out. So I think in the back of my mind, I think maybe somehow I magically will like doing all of these things once I actually have sex, and I just havnt tried it. And I want to have sex because I feel like I should. When I was single a year or 2 ago, I considered finding someone on a dating app who wanted to just hook up, just so I could do it and figure it out.

I don’t have any sexual trauma in my past, if that is relevant.

From what I know about asexuality it isn’t caused by anxiety, it’s just the way you are wired, right? That is what I am confused by. At most I think I’m pretty indifferent to sex. Sometimes I think something is hot… but I’ve never in my life fantasized about kissing or anything further than that.

I’m pretty frustrated tbh. Guess I just wanted to vent. If anyone is similar to me, how did you find some clarity?

The part that confuses me the most is this - whenever my