i am sitting here, drinking. reminiscing about life.
one thing i noticed about me is that what others think of me is very important to me. to an extend that i am discussing with haters in the comments, trying to convince them of my worth or defending myself against allegations of me being a scammer (despite there being zero evidence). i cannot let it stand, feel the need to say smth. another thing i have is when i see articles that i perceive as a rehash of stuff i talked about getting a ton of praise and recognition. then i get jealous and think that this respect should be mine and not theirs. the same when i see all these lowlifes do trading challenges without doxxed wallets and logged orders not matching orderbooks getting huge recognition. undeserved imho. but maybe i am not the arbiter of who gets respect and who not and i should not fall into hubris of thinking so.

all of this is quite pathetic, if i think about it in my current state. i try to find out why it is of such high importance to me what others think of me. as a kid i read about maslow's hierarchy of needs and he ranked recognition and respect from others pretty high on his pyramid of human needs. maybe its because of this. idk. i also never accounted for anything or achieved anything of greatness in my life. i was a school dropout, unemployable due to my health condition, a drugdealer, a drunk, a raider, a inmate. never good at anything, always way below average. now in trading i made some money and am doing halfway decent. first thing in my life i am reasonably good at and having some kind of potential.

maybe thats why social recognition is of such paramount importance to me. but ultimately it is weakness. and if i cannot overcome it it will influence my trading. i reckon it did for many, holding smth too long in attempt of a hero trade and then roundtripped all. i gotta be careful