classic defiance reaction. getting hurt by words and people saying „you can‘t do it“ and then reacting with purple prose language and dramatic words. saying i will prove them all wrong, now more than ever.

weak. childish reaction.

i am sitting here, drinking and thinking about my life. ruminating about this question: „why are there times where hate comments affect me big time and why there are times where i don‘t care. what is the difference between these two?“

i figured it out. the difference is in my trading. when i am winning i do not care. when i am losing i care a lot.

feels like all i have in life is trading. i have a big sadness in me. and when i am winning it somehow counters this feeling of sadness. and when i am not winning then there is nothing but sadness.

my feeling of self-worth is tethered to the number on my screen. number green, worth smth. number red, worth nothing.