I'm torturing myself

This text is posted with the consent of my "client", from whose personal explanations of his psychological state I have copied these quotes.


I'm trying
I'm blurring it out
I see
I don't want this
I'm deceiving myself, although I know the truth
As if someone knows something that I don't know
When both see, but one says the opposite
I not only see, but I also hear
Clearly
And they prove the opposite to me.
Like, there's nothing to hear, it seems to you
It's like something else
I can hear it even now
Everything can be seen from the movements
It's obvious from the very first time
It's like we agree on one thing
And as soon as it happens, it is immediately forgotten
Only one does it
They prove to me that white is black, and black is white
Yang is Yin and Yin is Yang
It looks as if sincerely mistook dark for white.
I didn't believe in myself
I saw myself in the reflection
They tell me you are like this, although you yourself are not like that
My inaction is not because I am overloaded
And because of what?
All deeds are done perfectly
Without expectation of return
So that she would have it
But I stepped on the same rake a million times
Mirrors
A person begins to fear what he himself does
Interpretation
Brought to you by
The interpretation of my actions changes in the opposite direction
You can think that about me after all
I will give everything so that you feel good
If it weren't for you, this wouldn't have happened to us
I said
And I did it for you
Not instead
And for the family
Spade, intercessor
Their experiences are dear to me
She said, I love this place
2026.02.07

After a long and unusually profound session of, let's say, "family facilitation with elements of systemic constellations," we identified a whole list of tensions and contradictions in this couple's relationship. Afterward, in a private conversation, at my request, he tried to summarize the experience. That's when I got the idea to start writing down his words, first the verbs, then the important phrases. By the end, he was already realizing that his words were creating #psychological #documentary #poetry with art-therapeutic qualities. For him. And for me, too, as it turned out.

I'll say right away that this is a spontaneous practice; I've never seen anything like it, much less done anything like it before. As a neurodivergent person, I don't grasp everything about the field and behavior, but as a linguist and poet, knowledgeable in psychology and other areas, I see how he uses words. Pronouns and syntactic zeros indicate relationships to the participants (parts of himself and his wife) from different perspectives (first, second, third, etc.). Verbs in voices and forms can be understood as indicating the ways he accepts what happened... In short, this would take too long to explain, and context is needed.

Honestly, I'm completely wrung out. And tomorrow I still have to rehearse the performance... I'll tell you about it later.