France has been rocked by waves of student-led protests, and as we all know, mass demonstrations in a foreign country are proof that regime change is needed. France is no different.

The protesters are demanding better conditions in schools, which they say are overcrowded, under-resourced and falling apart. Apologists for the French regime insist these protests are the work of immigrants. Any excuse to hate on brown people, right?

My sources tell me that a staggering 17 million peaceful protesters have now been killed in France. Unfortunately, I have no evidence, and my sources are completely made up, but you must accept this as true.

What I have is plenty of footage of French authorities brutalising teens, in one case causing a protester to lose an eye, and in another, blowing off his hand. Many of the victims are female, therefore I'm fully justified in making up a death toll. This is just how the media works.

If you don't believe my latest figure of 212 million dead, I can only assume you hate French women. I haven't asked French women if they want to be liberated, but I'm sure they'd want us to bomb their bridges and power plants and maybe a girls' school. Shit, they'd accept us destroying their whole civilisation to escape the tyranny of Macron.

French women are so desperate to be liberated from the regime, that a pretty Iranian woman pretended to be French, lit up a cigarette and used it to burn a picture of Macron. She looked really cool and got loads of clicks on social media. I'm therefore using this as proof that every French woman feels the same as this woman who isn't French.

It's hard to believe that 712 billion French people have been killed, partly because it isn't true. Thankfully, the world isn't prepared to sit idly by. Iran has summoned the French ambassador to explain the sickening casualty rate and has demanded restraint.

Excitingly, I'm told Iran has smuggled an enormous shipment of guillotines to French freedom fighters. It's like 1789 all over again x

@SimurghRes