Alright, I think I deserve to have a better explanation now that I have a clearer head. And maybe a bit of an apology. If you’ve been following me for a while I’m sure that you are aware that this is not the first time I have deleted my channels entirely. I’ve done my best to prevent it from happening but unfortunately it’s happened quite a few times now. I’d like for this to be the last time.

I am an extremely paranoid person. This is a fact I have been very aware of for years now, but to the best of my ability I have tried to not let this effect me being able to enjoy creating art and being in a fandom. But unfortunately it seems that the longer I try to ignore how I feel, the worse it gets. I won’t go into a lot of detail on my own struggles since I don’t think it’s really necessary, but to be a bit more transparent I think it just scares me to be in most internet spaces. Private reposts scare me. Bookmarks of my work scare me. Screenshots of me scare me. People saving my art scare me. Large numbers of people suddenly following me or viewing my work scare me. I have extreme fear almost constantly about how I’m being perceived and no amount of reassurance makes it better.

i don’t mean to say any of this in order to get pity, because honestly it doesn’t help me at all. I know what is wrong with me and what bothers me, i just don’t know how to fix it. And I’m going to be honest, my paranoia has lead me to have a lot of outbursts where I act hostile to people and say very bad things. And for the sake of my friends as well I don’t want to force myself into a state of mind that I know can lead to people being hurt.

I don’t know when or if I will create a new channel. I honestly don’t think it’s worth the risk of another breakdown. I’m not blaming anyone here by the way, this is entirely my own behavior or issues that I need to figure out on my own. Most of the people who have triggered this sense of fear were entirely well-meaning anyway, it’s really nobody’s fault but mine for trying to force myself into a place I knew I didn’t feel comfortable in.

going forward I think for the sake of my mental health I will not longer post on any sites frequently and my art will only be shared privately between friends and servers/chats with the exception of my instagram since I need to post there for commissions. Even though (some of) my art still will be public on one site, I still ask that you will all respect my wishes and not save any of it or distribute it to other sites or anything. I only want my art to stay where I put it.

I know this is long but I just wanted to explain things in the best way that I can. I really don’t know where I’m going to go from here or if I will ever find a place to post my work that makes me feel safe and secure, but I’m trying to do better. I’m sorry to anyone who wanted to see more from me.