#IELTS Writing Task 2: Paragraph rewrite 🐸

In today's post I want to share my rewrite of a student's paragraph -- a rewrite that was very easy to do because the student originally had solid ideas. What was needed was just a little ... Scroll down to see.

Topic: Some people believe that it is best to encourage children to have a healthy diet at school while others believe that parents should be the ones to teach children to have a healthy diet. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

1️⃣ Original

The idea that one’s parents should be held accountable for fostering healthy eating habits in their children is based on the premise that it is they who introduce their children - starting from toddlerhood - to a variety of meals. By doing so, they shape a child’s palate and food preferences from the youngest age, long before educational institutions exert any influence on them. Naturally, young children’s psyche is hard-wired to mirror adult behaviour: if they see their parents choose a salad and steamed meals over fried alternatives, they are considerably more likely to perceive such a pattern as normal and adopt it as their own. A further explanation is often related to the assumption that parents provide a larger number of food intakes - at least breakfast and dinner. Therefore,parental food choices play a profound role in what their children consume most of the day, while educational establishments usually provide students with a single midday meal.

2️⃣ Irina's rewrite

Admittedly, there might be reasons to believe that parents can play a profound role in fostering healthy eating habits in their children. First, it is parents who introduce children to food – starting from toddlerhood. By doing so, they shape the child’s palate and food preferences from the youngest age, long before educational institutions can exert any influence. Second, children are hard-wired to mirror adult behaviour, so they are likely to acquire the habits they see daily. For example, if they see their parents choose a salad and steamed meals over fried alternatives, they are considerably more likely to perceive such a pattern as normal and adopt it as their own. Finally, parents are responsible for more meals than any institution: they typically provide breakfast and dinner as well as all meals at the weekend, while schools only serve one meal a day. Thus, parental choices can have a more profound impact than schools.

What was needed was just a little Coherence and Cohesion: we now have the same ideas, but they are clearly signposted, so the paragraph flows better.

Irina Lutsenko 🌸