IELTS Writing Task 2: When clutter affects Task Response

What do I mean by clutter? Useless chunks of text that don't contribute to meaning: repetitions, over-explanations, and the like. Clutter can affect clarity and readability, but it can also affect Task Response. How? As usual, let's compare.

Topic: "In some parts of the world, many famous people are regarded as ‘role models’ and they are having an increasing influence on the young. Is that a positive or negative development?"

The two paragraphs below are the exact same length—114 words. Which one has better Task Response?

1️⃣

Even when celebrities are completely honest and talk about their genuine values or beliefs, they talk to extremely large audiences – that is thousands or even millions of people on different social media channels and platforms. This doesn't allow for such crucial components as personalization or nuance, so values or beliefs promoted might not be individualized or suited to particular circumstances. This might lead to situations where an overall positive behavior, one that typically brings about beneficial outcomes, might be negative or even detrimental for a specific young person who chooses to imitate the behavior or acquire a certain habit blindly and without careful consideration due to the admiration they have for the famous person.

2️⃣

Even when celebrities are completely honest and talk about their genuine values, they talk to large audiences, which doesn't allow for personalization and nuance. This might lead to situations where an overall positive behavior might be negative for a specific young person who chooses to imitate it blindly due to the admiration they have for the famous person. For example, a celebrity might advocate for animal rights and promote a vegan diet. This diet, while generally an ethical and healthy choice, might lead to severe health consequences or lack of understanding among peers. It is thus best that young people rely on advice from mentors that are close – family, friends, and teachers or coaches.

The first version contains a lot of clutter. And maybe clutter is not a mistake per se. But see how it gives me less space to develop ideas in depth? It suffocates my argument. In the second version, I have space to expand my argument because I have no clutter.

See my full essay in the Writing Recap 2024 book in the last pinned message.

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