📝 Yet another post about examples in IELTS essays 📝

First and foremost, what do we need examples for? To illustrate a point. Take a look at the example below from a student's paragraph. What does it illustrate? Does it do that successfully?

📝 "The inability to solve certain issues arising in populations due to insufficient funding can be detrimental. One example of this is the epidemic of HIV, a virus originating in Africa in the past century, which could have been taken under control, if not eradicated, with a timely intervention of international organisations and the local authorities. In the absence of adequate help to the population, the problem quickly became global and continues to be so, despite all the effort of the international community and individual countries."

So what do we want to illustrate (judging by the topic sentence)? How the inability to solve certain issues can be detrimental. But does the example actually contain anything detrimental? Not really. The example illustrates the importance of timeliness. The actual detriment, however, is not exemplified. What would demonstrate the actual detriment would be words like "die, death, suffer, pain" and other negative words.

Suggested rewrite:

📝 "The inability to solve certain issues arising in populations due to insufficient funding can be detrimental. One example of this is the epidemic of AIDS, a disease that remains largely incurable, not only causing millions of deaths worldwide but also subjecting those infected to a life of misery. The disease, however, could have been taken under control, if not eradicated, had sufficient funding been allocated to this purpose timely."

OK, now we have "disease, incurable, death, subjected to a life of misery." This version sounds more "detrimental" than the original.

So make sure the examples illustrate what you want them to illustrate.