Take a look at a paragraph below. What do you think is wrong in terms of CC?
🗒 "The categories that saw an increase over 60 years were housing, transport and leisure. The weekly percentage spent on leisure increased substantially, jumping from 9% in 1968 to 22% in 2018. Housing weekly expenses had a twofold increase, from 10% to 19%. The same is true for the transportation expenses, which, after doubling, amounted to 14% of the families’ weekly income in 2018."
What's wrong is that the order of categories in the first sentence is not the same as it is further in the text. But it should be
So in this specific case the first sentence should read: "The categories that saw an increase over 60 years were leisure, housing and transportation."
It's easier to process a text if the order of ideas (= categories in W1) is the same, so this change is an absolute must.
Further changes might include: 1) Not repeating the names of the categories at all; 2) Joining the categories with the same change into on sentence; 3) Going from a smaller change to a bigger one and pointing this out specifically.
🗒 My re-write:
"Expenditures on three categories saw an increase over 60 years. The figures for Transport and Housing almost doubled, with the former making up 14% and the latter 18% in 2018. The proportion spent on Leisure demonstrated a larger growth, constituting 9% in the first given year and reaching 22% in the final year."
(‼️ This post is based on IELTS 17 Test 3 but does not fully reflect it. It is only meant to draw attention to a certain CC mistake.)