📝 IELTS Writing Task 2: a paragraph rewrite 📝

Topic: "Some people believe that it is the responsibility of individuals to take care of their own health and diet. Others, however, believe that governments should make sure that their citizens have a healthy diet. Discuss both views and give your opinion."

📝 Student's original paragraph:

On the one hand, every person has a unique body and knows what is best for them. Since all people have different medical conditions and are predisposed to particular ones, they should decide what to eat and how to be treated. Allergies, chronic conditions, and inherited disorders, to name but a few, are the conditions that need to be taken into account, and this is viable only when each person cares about their own health. If one scheme is prescribed to all people, it is likely to eliminate the differences, which might in turn worsen a particular individual's condition. It is therefore reasonable for every person to take care of their health.

📝 My rewrite:

I am convinced that the responsibility should lie with each individual as each one has a unique body and therefore knows what is best for them. The unique personal conditions that impact what people eat or what well-being practices they pursue include but are not limited to allergies, inherited disorders, and chronic pains. Taking these into account is only viable if done on a personal level as the government cannot possibly know, let alone write universal regulations for millions of different cases. In fact, if one scheme was prescribed to all people, it would likely worsen a particular individual's condition. It is thus reasonable for every person to take care of their health.

Fixes: clarity of the position in the first sentence, cohesion and the overall flow.