📝 IELTS writing: a case of fixed CC 📝

Just in case you were wondering - CC stands for "Coherence and cohesion." In this post, I will share a piece of a paragraph written by a student with CC lacking and my rewrite.

🗒 Student's original writing:

"On the other hand, criminal behavior is often shaped by circumstances, which is the opinion I agree with. Poverty, hunger, and social injustice are the factors that can lead to criminal behavior. Being neither able to satisfy basic needs, such as food or clothes, nor having the access to more socially-accepted solutions, a person is likely to commit a crime."

The ideas are good, but each sentence seems to be disconnected.

🗒 My rewrite:
"On the other hand, criminal behavior is often shaped by circumstances, which is the opinion I agree with. People are more likely to commit a crime when they are unable to satisfy their basic needs, such as food or clothes, and when they don’t have access to more socially-accepted solutions for this problem. Among the most common factors leading to this are poverty, hunger, and social injustice."

How did I make the piece more cohesive?

Btw, this is not the only possible rewrite. Feel free to write your version in the comments. 📝