☃️ IELTS Writing Task 2: a paragraph makeover ☃️

🗒 Topic: "Some people think that the best way to learn about business is to study a course at college or university. Others believe that there are other better ways to learn about business. Discuss both views and give your opinion."

🗒 Here is a student's paragraph about the first point of view:

"On the one hand, doing a course on business at an educational institution is the best choice. By doing so, a candidate is likely to gain profound knowledge of the mechanics of business models. This foundation can give the understanding of basic economic principles, how markets are affected by world events, and how to assess a firms' financial health. Thus, such academic background serves as a building block for flexibility - a valued asset of a contemporary entrepreneur. It arms them with skills required to work equally effectively for businesses of all sizes - from multinational companies to start-ups, as well as in a number of contexts - from finance and Human Resources to personal brands."

This paragraph has some good ideas, but is a bit chaotic. More importantly, it doesn't explain why doing a course at university is the best choice. It simply explains what happens at a university course. For example, "gain profound knowledge" or "understanding of basic economic principles" or "arms them with skills" - these things simply happen at university. They don't necessarily mean a university course is the best.

So how do we argue that a university course is the best choice? How do we underscore the "the best" part?

🗒 My rewrite:

"On the one hand, doing a course on business at a university is the best choice. First, a candidate is likely to gain more profound knowledge of the mechanics of business and economic principles than they might through experience or consuming content online. This is because university courses are based on solid scientific research and are taught by professors with advanced academic degrees. Second, courses offered by higher education institutions are better designed in that they are more comprehensive and include a wide range of subjects. They can thus enable the graduates to work in a wide range of business contexts, from multinational companies to start-ups. When people learn from experience, on the other hand, they only learn one specific area of business they are engaged in. A university course is therefore a much more fundamental approach than any other."

What did I do? I explained why a university course is more profound and contrasted a wide range of contexts with just one area.

Many IELTS topics have the word "the best." Make sure it's clear not only how something works, but also in what ways it's better than other ways.