📝 IELTS Writing: a paragraph makeover 📝

Topic: "Some people think that criminal behaviour has genetic causes. Others believe that it is circumstances that lead people to commit a crime. Discuss both views and give your opinion."

Here is the student's original paragraph about the second point of view (that it's the circumstances that lead people to commit a crime). As you read, it try to understand what's wrong in terms of Task Response. (There are some language mistakes, but let's ignore those.)

🗒 Original:
"On another hand, I believe that only the condition of society affects people who commit a crime. In such conditions they do not have the opportunity to earn money in a legal way, so people become offenders in order to survive. For example, during the 90s in Russia there were not enough workplaces for people with different professions. This stems from the fact that the country was absolutely in a destroyed condition in all spheres. The Russian government’s Institutions were broken, such as the economy, culture, the internal affairs and life infrastructure. Although people had a good education and qualifications, they often had one chance to survive is to join criminal groups in the big cities and regions and earn money in an illegal way."

The problem is that the paragraph relies heavily on the example - it takes most of the paragraph and almost replaces the development of the idea. The example is certainly great, but let's give it less space and add an explanation, shall we?

Below is the re-write by Anna Skopina. Anna is teaching my IELTS writing groups for scores 7 and below. (Btw, message me to join one in 2023.)

🗒 Re-write:
"On the other hand, I believe that the environment has a more pronounced effect on those who commit crime. That is to say, in a society where poverty and unemployment are rife, people do not have the opportunity to earn money in a legal way, becoming offenders in order to survive. For example, following the dissolution of the Soviet Union in the 90s, Russia plunged into severe recession and political instability, which entailed large-scale unemployment. As a consequence, people, not being able to earn a living, resorted to joining criminal gangs so as not to starve. Society thus plays a more significant role in criminal behaviour than inherited traits because while the latter only increases the likelihood of turning to crime, the former often leaves people with no other choice."

So we do have the same example, but it's shorter and it's followed by a concluding sentence explaining what this example illustrates. 💚