"This argument is developed superbly," says Irina
Today, rather than sharing a bad piece of writing, I want to share a superb example. The idea in the piece below is developed so well that I didn't have a single question or comment about it (which happens very rarely).
🗒 Question: Why do people keep eating food that is unhealthy?
🗒 Student's paragraph - as is, without a single edit on my part:
"There are two major reasons for this. The first is that many products these days are created in such a way that they are highly addictive. Manufacturers, for whom it is lucrative to stimulate an immoderate consumption of their products, purposefully use sugar and taste-enhancing food additives to trigger the reward system in the human brain and get it hooked on instant gratification. As a result, finding it onerous to fight the cravings for sugar- and additives-rich food people prioritise the immediate pleasure over the long term benefits of a healthy diet as it brings a brief bout of happiness and decreases stress."
Well, I said I didn't have a single comment about the idea development, but I do have a comment on cohesion. Did you spot the unclear referencing? It's the last "it" in the last sentence - it seems to refer to "a healthy diet." How would you fix it?❓
Anyways, cohesion aside, this is a superb piece. 💙