A glimpse of my "Writing with New Scientist" class: a case of improved cohesion 👩‍🎓

Sometimes cohesion is about simply changing the order of your clauses. Let's take a look at one such case.

🗒 Topic: Different ages come with different strengths and weaknesses. Some people therefore believe certain jobs and activities should be restricted to certain ages. Others, however, insist that all jobs and all activities should be open to everyone regardless of their age. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

🗒 The beginning of the first body paragraph written by a student:
"Some jobs and activities require specific skills or physical strength, which people often lack at a particular age, and consequently restrictions seem to be essential. It is supposed that elderly specialists, for example those over over 70 years old, can be frail or absent-minded to work in such demanding jobs as police officers or surgeons."

Which clause would you put in a different place?

🗒 My re-write:
"Restrictions might be essential in some jobs and activities that require specific skills or physical strength, which people often lack at a particular age. For example, specialists who are over 70 years old can be too frail or absent-minded to work in such demanding jobs as police officers or surgeons."

Why is my version more cohesive?
1) Placing "restrictions" at the beginning makes the introduction smoother as this is something we already know from the topic;
2) In my version, "particular age" and "specialists who are over 70" are situated closer to each other, which also enhances cohesion.

What do you think?❓