A glimpse of my "Writing with New Scientist" class - a case of improved cohesion 🌼🌼🌼

📝 Original:

"The more businesses sell, the more profits they obtain. Business owners pour money in smart advertising campaigns full of enticing images and slogans, promising no less than happiness, in their attempts to make people succumb to temptation and buy."

There seems to be little cohesion between the sentences: one sentence ends with profits and the next one begins with advertising. Of course, the ideas are connected - businesses sell and obtain profits with the help of advertising. But why don't we add specific words to connect the ideas?

📝 Suggested fixes:

1️⃣ "The more businesses sell, the more profits they obtain. It's for this purpose that business owners pour money in smart advertising campaigns full of enticing images and slogans, promising no less than happiness."

2️⃣ "The more businesses sell, the more profits they obtain. In their attempts do that and make people buy as much as possible, business owners pour money in smart advertising campaigns full of enticing images and slogans, promising no less than happiness."

Can you think of other fixes? 🧐