i feel much better thanks guys and i figured how stupid i am. i totally found what’s the problem and that i can fix in my case forever🫣

before i was 14, i had simple values - i identified my moral compass as just being a “knight”, not the one in the steel but more like a protector of weak, educated, gentle, very very good with women

i was obsessed with other gender since i fall in love first time at 6, i have stated coding only year later - i was always a combination of love to the computer and to the woman. woman was the first.

then when i became 14 i did a remarkably smart and stupid thing: i have asked myself “by why?”. like why hold the door for the woman, who made this up? why i need to do so? i was smart enough to ask this question, but not capable to answer. i wasn’t able to answer it till today. the answer is simply: “you just do it unconditionally”. it was a huge crisis of my personality that never ended. it didn’t change me immediately but i started to challenge virtually every assumption. that’s how i planted seed of total madness and greatness at the same time. asking questions is good but challenging everything to the core leads only to madness.

second thing happened when i was 20 - i got into really really hot and toxic relationship, it totally fucked my brain. she has SA history before me and she passed part of her madness to me. now i started to lose confidence in my own mind. i started to not do unconditional love to anyone. i think i am just close to recovery after 14 years.

another thing happened somewhere between and i got a lot of engineering experience, but in engineering you is a dog that predicts failure. the more failures you can predict the better you build. now you predict human failures all the time too.

how this all connected you might ask? it turns out it formed an invisible price in my head on every single thing i needed to do. i had no clue that i am doing this subconsciously.

someone asks you to do something? you weight it against what you are doing now. you need to help your partner? then you weight it against if partner struggled enough to match me (what a disgusting way of thought!!).

so imagine you have a pregnant wife and she picks a bag in supermarket and you just stay and watch while she tries to get bags, then some georgian man exclaims “why the fuck you are staying?” and helps her.

well i don’t need to imagine that, why the fuck i didn’t do anything? why the fuck i didn’t do anything next day? and next day? i just felt it is ok to do it by herself, since she could have done that. i just estimated it is ok since she capable of doing so. why the fuck you need to evaluate anything here to decide help or not help? what the fuck? am i autistic? i was holding the doors for girls all the time when i was 14, at 30 i stopped even helping pregnant woman??? wat? i was treating woman like a gods, a little obsessive tho.

same mechanism seems to be triggering depression when someone asks you to do something at work, you evaluate if it is make sense to do and if it is not you are getting pissed off. this is very exhausting. then you go home and not help pregnant woman. because ofc you got tired.

someone does something and i am now run a failure mode detection, which pisses off around and then everyone loses their motivation and you got angry even more. endless loop of hate.

was i always before like this? not really, i have several big loves when i was pre-14. one were is one of the smartest persons i have ever meet, one of my classmates once called why she didn’t continue dating me after she moved out of school, and she compressed beautifully to “he doesn’t have frames”. absolutely fascinating summary, and i totally agree till same day. i was never accused of being non sensitive or abusive back then. it all started after a trauma at 18-19. i have only slept with only one girl before traumatic one, so i can’t really compare if active sex life was the reason. first one was also quite dramatic.