i no longer have an objective, why you guys live? what’s the point for you to live? i am totally incapable of living dumb life

about week ago i had a mental breakdown, i went and destroyed my mac completely - i couldn’t stand doing pet projects that doesn’t work at the expense of people around me. i experienced such amount of hate to everything that i haven’t ever experienced, the difference is that time i hated myself and what i was doing. people who know me for long time know that sometimes i go nuts and i destroy one piece of furniture and than i feel sorry and my anger passes, this time it did not. i never physically hurt anyone and i am incapable of doing so even when i am losing myself, i am glad that this piece of me still exist, that the hate is contained to my property or myself.

now i am depressed, everything i was doing was wrong, there no way back and no possible way forward. what i can possibly do differently? if i wouldn’t do as i did my family wouldn’t be living in the california, i was probably stuck in some shithole with a baby on my hands or even worse - without one. i don’t remember anyone that tried to help me to get peaceful with myself, like truly sit with me and help to navigate hardships, i always felt alone in this crusade. why people stopped helping each other? why i need to go to therapy if i need a friend. i was betrayed so many times by closest friends, why was my life like this? why my work ends up ignored or ruined or stolen? why friends are temporary? what did i do wrong to people? what i can change?

every time i was a pleasant person i got extremely badly hurt. then i am going back to my box. i have filled this box with ambition, persistence and pure testosterone. no one tried to spend time with me, i always needed to go to extreme lengths to meet people and they still will forget. i was never invited, i am invited only because i have aura of success or engineering excellence, not because i am a friend. people mostly just try to feed of it, not genuinely connect.

i tried to learn how to do better, i kept nice people around me, i was learning from them, but it is not natural for me - i can be pleasant if i am not afraid (deeply in love and feel safe in relationships) or when people around me are pleasant. feeling safe in relationships is a rare thing for me, i think i just had very bad one when i was 19 (but everyone had why me?). pleasant people tend to not invite less pleasant so it never sticks and i can’t contribute i am just smart, every fucking time i was right but it makes everyone depressed. perhaps i can fix that. i was proposed yesterday to just less criticise people around even when it is valid, like if mistake is not that bad just ignore it and allow it to pass. i think i figured that if something i am saying and if it triggers end of relationship then this should be definitely worth the risk, this reduces amount of my criticism to people 10-fold.

i have optimised for success, but it turns out it is a lonely road and even other guys who tries to do something probably won’t help you and close friends also won’t participate.

i tried optimising for people happiness around - it is unrewarding path - i always still felt alone.

i tried optimising for my happiness thinking that me happy is better then unhappy and second order effects are much better this way. people got mad too and never supported.

what i need to optimise for at all? i just want to be loved and nothing works at all.