though the FI herself know the issue. Repeatedly mails, contact, still nothing. And frustration list goes on and on

People near me are rich too. For some reason, even not so rich friends have relatives in some good positions or abroad. And while I, I have no one. I dont get jealous but it feels uneasy seeing rich people having opportunities, connection to things. Getting internship, getting jobs, some connections to abroad, and if nothing else, still a peace of mind about finances.

You could say I didn't do enough. Maybe I didn't. But I tried what I could. You would say I was naive for expecting this good of a thing. Maybe I was, maybe if someone could have told me this is the situation of research in india, I would have just choosen tech and moved on like anyone else. You could say I should have chosen tech, but I was too in love with physics. And the irony is, if I go back in time, I would still choose it again.


I don't know what to do now. I dont have skills for tech, I dont have motivation for physics. I dont want to do PhD in india anymore, I wont get anywhere abroad. Even I do, I dont know I would be able to do it or not.

I see people near me, and I am always surprised by the irony of human behavior. We have goddess statues in the same building where most corruption happen. We take oaths to do the righteous things and do the evilest things. I have seen people donating food to priests by black money they got because they believe in this way, they will get some good balance in their life.

I am sad by the state of my country, of its institution. And for some reason, I am having a hard time accepting it and moving on. Maybe I still want to clinge to that kid who was fascinated by the universe and wanted to learn about it and not worry about anything else.

But the time is running out, and I have some responsibility as a single child. I try everyday to get up and do some work and I get drowned by the heaviness of existence nowadays. I am too self aware for any advice to work. I know I should accept the situation and get the best out of it. I know I should try small. I know those things but they don't work. I lay down and existence feels tiring to me.

Hopefully I go to somewhere good, I somehow still believe in this. Hopefully, I will one day contribute to humanity's understanding but until then, I need to learn how to live. Hopefully, I get my will to live again.

Until then, I would survive yet another day.
Have a nice day and take care

P.S. - sorry for the long read and any unbroken lines. I wrote it in one go.

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