Anyone else like intimacy that isn't exactly sexual, but definitely isn't just cuddling? Sex-that-isn't-sex?

I've been doing some self-reflection lately, and wondering why I seem to be having a "hoe phase" while hating sex. I love the kissing, the cuddling, sometimes the grinding, but never the actual act of sex.

I don't like having my genitals touched at all. I find them repulsive and hate the fact that they are even on me. I like doing things for other people though, I like making them feel good but the sex always ends up unsatisfying for them because they want to do things to me as well.

But this leads me to my next point, which is that I love "sex that isn't sex". I've always loved little short smutty stories of vampires and seeing how intimate being taken and bitten really is. I love the trust and closeness, and the fact that the thrall has to give up something of their own for the vampire to get anything feels very much like my sex life.

This is not a bad thing, I enjoy doing things for people! I just hate how it always feels like I need to have sex for them to be satisfied. Why can't I find someone who gets that? Someone who likes the oxymoronic "sex that isn't sex". I like hypnosis, having souls be intertwined, being examined like a toy or object of fascination, but never as a human to be fucked. I love bondage, but just the being tied up part. I love the feeling of being intimate and seeing everything someone hides. But never the sex itself.

Does this make any sense to anyone? Would this even count as asexuality or is it something else entirely? Just so confused.

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