Am I being coerced? LDR partner pushes for sexual stuff despite my physical nausea, and I feel trapped.

TW / Content Warning: Sexual coercion, pressure/guilt-tripping, digital surveillance, mention of physical illness/vomiting.




Hey everyone. Using a throwaway for privacy reasons. My head is completely spinning, and I really need an outside reality check on whether this dynamic is as unhealthy as it feels.


I am terribly sorry if this is the wrong place for this, just wasn't sure where to post this.

For context: I am 19 (FTM), and my partner is 22 (non-binary). We are long-distance. I am diagnosed with autism and ADHD, my partner has suspected autism (undiagnosed).

Recently, I've been looking into aegosexuality and sex-repulsed asexuality, and it felt like reading about myself. In theory, fiction, or abstract dirty talk, I’m okay. But when it comes to real-life sexual participation, whether in person or over distance (helping them masturbate, sending sexual stuff, or getting physically involved), my body has an extreme visceral reaction. I experience intense physical nausea, gagging, vomiting, and have to heavily dissociate just to push through it.

My partner has a very high sex drive and treats sexual release as a main coping mechanism. Because of that, our dynamic has turned into an exhausting cycle:

Saying "no" almost always comes with guilt: Nearly every time I decline, there is some form of guilt-trippy or pouty comment (e.g., "bit upsetting," "aww okay :c," or bringing up how they hate doing it alone). Every couple of months, it blows up into a full multi-hour spiral where they talk about how rejected, depressed, or dysphoric they feel, or say things like "the hope dies down more every time." Even with disclaimers like "I'm not trying to pressure you," it inevitably leads to me sitting at my desk crying, apologizing repeatedly, and having to comfort them for getting turned down.
They know I get sick and still push: I haven't explicitly explained to them that my nausea is a somatic revulsion to sex, but they have noticed the pattern. They've literally complained that "it's the same thing every time," told me I "used to just ignore it to help," and questioned if I'm lying. Afterward, they've sent messages like "sorry if you didn't wanna." They know my body is physically unwell when intimacy comes up, but they view it as an excuse rather than a hard boundary.
Saying no feels pointless (fawning): As someone with autism/ADHD, conflict and rejection feel awful, and I've caught myself realizing that saying no takes so much more energy, interrogation, and emotional fallout that I just give in and fawn. I catch myself constantly apologizing, promising "I'll fix it" or that I'll try harder, even though my body is literally screaming at me to stop.
Extreme digital surveillance: Even though we're long distance, they track my live location on two separate apps. If I'm out running basic errands for a couple of hours after school/work (even after explicitly telling them where I'm going), I get guilt-tripped about "not giving enough updates" and them "not knowing where I am."

I feel completely suffocated. Things feel fine when I’m just complying and being what they want, but the minute I have a boundary or my stomach gives out, it turns sour.

I wish I could just never have any sexual expectations placed on me again. But I’m terrified of walking away because the fear of being alone genuinely scares me, and I'm terrified of losing our mutual friend group.

Is this digital/sexual coercion? Is this kind of fundamental incompatibility fixable at all, or am I blinding myself to how bad this actually is? Any advice or perspective would mean a lot.

Once again, really really sorry if this is the wrong place.

https://redd.it/1x4aqla
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