I don't know what's normal and it's scaring me.

I don't know what I am. When I was younger I identified as asexual. Then I started exploring interest in women and identified as lesbian, but I never met anybody, so it was only ever masturbation-related. Then I realized I had some trauma around the topic and identified as asexual again. But I still have some level of attraction to women. I tried to masturbate to see if I could know what it's like, so I would know if I wanted it or not.. It felt awful. I tried going until I'd 'peak' or cum or whatever.. My body started feeling repulsed. I thought that was just the normal "squirming" people talk about. Then it got scary. My body realized it couldn't pull away from the sensation, and I got this horrifying feeling I can only describe as rapey.

I've always kind of felt like my 'experimenting with my body' has been kind of lacking in consent.. but I feel like an idiot trying to say "I feel like I SA'd myself." Like.. I only ever do it because I feel like I can't know if I don't want it if I've never experienced it. Or that I don't want to but it feels like my body wants it.. I usually feel bad after, but, not during it, not like this.. It was genuinely scary.

I feel like I don't know what I am. I don't know if I'm asexual or just traumatized. Or both. Or if it's even possible to know if I'm both.

https://redd.it/1x34t06
@asexualityonreddit